i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
it was a 10 min screaming orgasm. i don't care that you were next door and didn't appreciate all the noise.
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Yup, totally tried cooking bacon in the dryer last night.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
It's like someone is grabbing my scrodum with pliers and just hanging there.
how do you not remember that?! you winked at the bouncer and then proceeded to grind on him while chugging a beer. i don't know if i should be proud or embarrassed to be your friend
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Ran into a tinder match at the bar last night. We spotted each other and started making out without speaking any words to each other. Fuck yea technology!
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I swear to God if you fuck my cousin I will fuck your dad.
He did a backflip because drugs
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