you always know who the new freshman are on fb because theyre always wearing prom dresses
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
Whatever. I'll just fuck him now and deal with the clingyness later.
There is a BIG difference between doing coke and getting peed on and getting peed on FOR coke
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I’m almost positive this girl is drinking a mojito in class right now, if so she’s my new hero
She sent me nudes via email. What the fuck are we still in the 90s? Grow up
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
you know what? fuck you, fuck your nana, and ESPECIALLY FUCK THE BLACKHAWKS.
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
I should probably apologize for licking you last night since you drove me home, but I stand by my decision
Randomize
