I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
Yea it's a sex scar. But if anyone asks I tripped up carpeted stairs
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
Chuck job is nothing more than to be my dick stand when I'm too drunk to hold it while pissing
This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
Well I'm about 60% wine, 30% pure rage and 10% tears at the moment and I'm disappointed in how little alcohol is in me
The girl who comes up after me always strips to Lana Del Rey. I didn't think working in a strip club could be any more depressing.
Wow I got tittyfucked by the American Dream
Happy Father's Day to the first man I called Daddy while cumming.
Oh the sweet dreamless sleep of drugs
You? On what? Why?
Randomize
