I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Maybe if i eat something filling like whole wheat pasta it will make me less hungry for things like dick
for a minute I thought I needed to put on pants to go get a burrito, but then I remembered I'm in college
She just messaged me 19 sad faces.
Got kicked out of the baseball game with a 4 officer escort. Not bad for a monday night.
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
The penis is a tricky weapon to use. When using it as leverage you have to make it seem emotional. I'd rather use it as a club sometimes.
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
It's only 10am and I doubt my day could get much worse. During my 9am meeting I had to sit between my boss who I fucked for my promotion and the guy he walked in on me fucking on the copier
Yeah I'm just gonna stay here and spread my horniness to the world.
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
last night i was way too drunk and i was forcing people to let me tell them about mammals
Randomize
