I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
So I thought I was doing pretty good and then I sneezed and prematurely ejaculated...
Mango Malibu should win a nobel peace prize
she is the kim kardashian of front butts
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married
I just heard "I just let you finger me on Megabus, I clearly don't have standards".
the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness
don't cry, we can learn from her
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.
So...I maybe walked across campus last night with my life size Joe Biden cut out.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
Got lost on the way to my dealer again. He stayed on the phone with me untill i found him and then hooked it up because I got lost.. What a genuine person.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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