Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons
They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.
All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.
I'm soaked in beer, and I think blood. Why did we think we could tap a keg with a hammer?
You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.
He passed out again after sex. I've hidden all his clothes. There's no way he is sneaking out in the morning this time!
My vagina is trying to run away to Boston without me.
that's how you measure success
By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?
I asked him why he was eating an entire can of refried beans, the only answer I got was "revenge"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
I danced shirtless on a platform with a fucking stripper who went to MIT
You can come over but I have to warn you that it is naked Sunday.
Now swiping left on 23-year-olds with abs. Is this adulting?
Randomize
