I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.
It's not just about fucking anymore... We decided we're actually in like now..
How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...
She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
just cuz theres a goalie doesnt mean i cant commandeer the goal and become a way better goalie
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
I'm about to make existential crisis tacos.
You would be proud of me, I did not take a dab at work today.
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
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