I'm texring you during a blow job. She thinks I'm looking shit up. Fml. Ftw.
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Old lady caught me peeing in the street and yelled at me and said "I REBUKE YOU"
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
With the amount of g's you put on going I'm gonna guess you're drinking alone again
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
I am more familiar with your toilet than I ever want to be with any appliance
I now have a GPA requirement for guys I hookup with more than once.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
Pretty sure the cop told you that you were the first person he pulled over for being drunk on a tractor. So there's that.
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
just hooked up with a guy ON MY CAMPUS VISIT. god only knows whats gonna happen when im actually a student
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