1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night
Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day
Were you rubbing your penis on me while I slept? I smell like penis.
She can't meet us until 830...there's no hope for our sobriety at that hour
I lied. Can't workout today. Only exercises I'm currently capable of doing are breathing ones to keep last night's drinks ending up all over the classroom.
So dude comes out in a full body leotard and a wand and announced he's king of the gays. Chicago is a weird but fun place
I heard drunk is the new sober. I heard me say that. To a cop. Can you come get me??
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
I woke up to pizza pinned to my wall. So that's that.
ditto.
about cumming, not toast
Molly I still can't believe u puked in that guys hands and still got laid
It's gotten to the point that I'm pretty sure I'm going to need to be legally drunk before I enter the voting booth this year.
Randomize
