My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I'm not sure what's more surprising, the fact that she said I reminded her of Danny Devito, or the fact that it got me laid.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.
He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.
Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
I've just never heard the term serendipitous used to describe having one's asshole licked.
Do you know how much wine is in a box of wine? Not so much an amount, but whether it will kill me if I drink the entire box this xmas
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
I think my life is a one-way ticket to blackout city.
I should not have moved in with him. He's got porn stashed everywhere like a homosexual squirrel.
You love porn!
Not in the sugar bowl when I'm making my Mom coffee I don't.
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