Your face is a jimmy john
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
I'll tell these girls I'm like the pet adoption center...don't play with it if you're not taking it home.
I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.
Her life is filled with shit luck. Its like mother nature is having her period and just taking it out on her specifically.
Oh were you the stripper at that club last Sunday when i was trippin on acid wearing a giraffe outfit?
Those drunk pictures you took of me? My mom is showing those to my grandparents.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
Like he was trying to be sexy but he had shit taste in porn so i left
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
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