I'm at some bar in brklyn... just made out with a guy named Owen.
He is a pre-school teacher... just sang me a song about weather.
I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.
I wouldnt consider it a good Wednesday if there wasn't any projectile vomit involved
You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game
we made out at a charity event. really i was helping the fight against aids...
Doctorate. Vaginahole. Cinnamon. Rainbow. Fill in the blanks in the morning.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf
Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!
I made friends with the delivery guy because he had beautiful dread locks and was a Zelda fan. He texted me after he left saying he wasn't trying to be creepy but we should be friends. We're hanging out tomorrow.
How does this kind of shit happen to you?!
I'm pretty sure the guy who was grinding on me while I was trying to get a drink at he bar was one of my tinder matches
The closest I'll come to committing is leaving sex toys at their house
Be safe. If you have intercourse with a boy use so many condoms this his penis is no longer recognizable.
the woman that waxes my lady parts just hugged me...
were you wearing pants?
no.
She thinks I cheated on her 10 years ago in a past life lmao
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
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