Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.
You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal
I'm going to go hang out on a giant wooden pirate ship for 5 days.
I'm gonna put my relationship status as "widowed" to see if it helps me get some poon.
Woke up with puke in my bed and my pockets full of Tootsie Rolls.
Jealous.
I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
Dude, I found out having naked people in your car is a felony.. Now were all fucked.
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Come over so we can have two person sex in this one person tent
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
You're the best friend ever. I wouldn't want to do the walk of shame with anyone else.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
CTFD. There’s plenty of dick in the sea! This is Vegas, we import dick. \nWorst case scenario we get a rental penis
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