I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?
At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.
then she stuck her tongue in my ass
I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?
i think every time you texted me i responded with 'bathroom floor'
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
My birthday is in 11 days. Going ham. Consciousness will not be an option
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
Thank fucking Christ I was not wearing pants or eating chocolate cake last night.
WTF I can't even get a boyfriend here and you're getting nudes from across the country
I'm fine w planning around your penis prospecting. Saturday it is.
why did i wake up in the bathroom?
we had to stay with you a while until we convinced you it wasn't safe to wash your face, then you fell asleep with your foot in the toilet.
I stared at his dick and then told him to get on his knees
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