Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
another holiday season passes without receiving a dick in a box, where did i go wrong in life?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
hurry up this bar wont let me order big pitchers of beer for just myself
All I know is that I woke up with glitter all over me and blood on my shoes. It wasn't my blood.
He has silky zebra print sheets, which you would think he put on just for me, but the bed was unmade. Did I just sleep with a closet case??
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
why did you put a dildo on the ceiling fan
the dildo had a suction cup and we had a ceiling fan what did you expect?
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
Randomize
