So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
so i just googled the prescription for aldara i saw on your desk this morning...
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
9 beers later and she still looks like Gary Busey.
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He was fucking her while he was wiping my tears.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
You have my approval. I will dance and throw skittles at your funeral.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
so i may or may not have just had sex on the stage of the lecture hall....
I just want this to serve as a reminder in the morning that the topic of conversation at last call was the penis size of jesus.
Randomize
