I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
every time you feel disappointed with the red wings take a shot
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
You drunk yet?
Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.
Cant make any promises.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I cNt phones. tingles in my fingles. jingles
How frowned upon is it to take your vibrator into the tanning bed...because Operation: dripping wet is in full swing and I have a busy schedule
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
I gave the bike taxi guy a blowjob because I didn't have any cash. College.
You'd be proud. Took my birth control today at 12:30 with a Budweiser. Guy across the bar saw and held his bottle up to salute me 😂
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
