you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"
Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
LISTEN TO ME! GAY. FIREFIGHTER. They are the most rare and precious kind of gay. The kind little gays dream of. It needs to happen.
Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.
..puke & rally mid art final. HAPPY CINCO DE MAYO!
Friend as in 'I used to have sex with her' or friend as in 'I still want to have sex with her'?
I was originally going to go as fembot from Austin Powers
I wanted to have tiny guns for tits
I just look at my butt and see so much potential.
You know you're drunk when you're apologizing for your asshole at 4am to the toilet. Eat shit habanero bbq sauce, you've ruined my life.
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
You ripped my pants off and gave me the choice use it or lose it what was I suppose to do.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
Yes I’m serious. I just worked YOUR 12 hour shift on 3 hours of sleep if you come over without tacos and an ice cream cake in hand we are done
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