I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
I had to move some guys boxers out of the dryer. This is the closest I'll be getting to dick this month.
The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.
Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.
So I'm thinking that so long as I have this piercing, I'm going to get tested for explosives at the airport
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
I've been continuously high for the last 48 hours, and just broke my 4th vibrator. Coincidence? FIND ME A MAN I BEG OF YOU.
I did just chug a pint glass of wine during a solid round of masterbation, so I believe I am ready for bingo.
How many times have you told me to call 911 this week?
Lol twice
I'm pretty sure that waking up butt ass naked with a bottle of 151 and a note that said "I didn't want to wake you up, but thanks" proves I had a good time....god bless America
the funny thing was, all i remember was a liter of vodka and going to oneonta for the night. then 2 weeks later bam, i get a letter banning me from campus for the next 4 years. awesome convorsation with my dad to wake up to.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
