My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him
They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.
Everyone is hammered wasted already...young, old, the dying, babies...we got them all
Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.
We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by
I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments
I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
I just picked up a hitchhiker so karma will be on our side this weekend. Hahahahahaha
No.
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
THE EAGLE HAS MY PANTIES. I REPEAT. THE FUCKING MASCOT HAS MY PANTIES.
HOLY SHIT. You're my hero.
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
Who loses their virginity to fucking Flo Rida
We banged in my car doggy style with my head out the window. The sky was marvelous and I saw a shooting star. Its destiny; we're meant to fuck forever.
Randomize
