Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.
Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping
I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just blew a guy who had the same phone case as me. It was destiny.
Is it a bad thing that I've made out with everybody I work with?
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
YOUUUU FUCKING FURRYYYY
I DIDN'T COME HERE TO BE SLANDERED LIKE THIS
No fucking Jell-O shots or meth. Those are the rules
I had to ask her to let go of my cock this morning so I could go home. She just kept saying "no, please, no..."
There’s so much sex at the hospital I’m beginning to think scrubs were invented to make duty booty easier
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