I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Can't a woman sleep on the floor in her own apartment in peace without being judged?
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
Got too starbucks. 3out of the 4 girls working i have ducked and haven't ever called. My coffee has dick written on it. It may contain spit by pumpkin lattes are only once a year
Strip Simon Says: DO IT
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
Drunk level: ugly crying in the bar upon discovery of sweet tarts and not smarties.
This time tomorrow I will be drunk and in a voodoo shop
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
within five minutes of being here her dog found my vibrator in my bedroom and was carrying it around all proud! and her mom is here. so embarrassing :(
I'm pmsing pretty hard.. .just cried 3 times while eating a Hershey bar dipped in peanut butter
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
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