Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
I just shot gunned a beer for your birthday alone because you're too hungover at midnight to get out of bed. I'm not sure which of us is the bigger loser
so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine
there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
Is there really anything more beautiful than opening a fresh box of wine on a Friday afternoon?
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
I just pictured ballsacks being shoveled into the furnace of the Titanic.
Dude Carly, it's like, inconvinent how often you cause me to have an erection
Check your mailbox. I left a "sorry I didn't have time to suck your dick today" consolation gift.
Holy sore nipples Batman
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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