I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups
It's all sex hats and vagina bandages with you isn't it?
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
So neither of us had a dollar bill and we couldnt find a straw so we spent all nite doing coke through penne pasta
Yeah, first time I've shit my pants in my twenties... I'm thinking about putting it on my Facebook timeline
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.
you're no funn. i shall go consult my friend vodka on this matter.
You left your hot dogs in my dresser again
ready for a night of bad decisions, horrible moral standards, and an unhealthy amount of illegal substances.
Randomize
