What are you doing?
High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...
That guy could sell me cancer.
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
I just found him singing into an empty paper towel roll while microwaving an empty ice cream carton. I'm gonna run away now.
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
You chanted SOFA PIZZA all night then we woke up to find about ten slices under the cushions where you were sleeping....
nah, they dropped the charges. apparently ripping his junk when he tried to hop the fence seemed like punishment enough...
and after i failed the breathalyzer i said to the cop "i've never been very good at tests"....
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
Bud... Did you mean to tweet a picture of your dick? If not just letting you know.
Dude I swear I'm scooping human shit out of the litter boxes. What the fuck happened last night?
My ex's psycho new girlfriend found my vibrator I forgot at his place. Apparently she didn't find it as funny as I did. 😂
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
You sending me our unborn, unfertilized babies' names is not what I envisioned when you said you'd "drunk text me later".
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
