highlight from tonight: i hit on her and her mother.
I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
my brother is a facebook fan of two things: God, and Rhianna. if he's not a prime example of the rare "baptist closeted gay," i don't know who is.
i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement
He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.
We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
tell me there's a reason my bed smells like paint thinner
He's on the bus now and took off his Amish hat so just his long ginger beard is present. Goodbye, majestic Amish ginger. Go forth and represent your minority well.
I'm gonna take a nap by the fireplace and pretend like I know what day it is.
Glow Paint looked great for the Black Light Party last night, Tonight having a glow in the dark Pizza on my arm, not so much.
Stocking up on Wasabi powder. Nobody's tampons are safe.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
all I want for my birthday is booze and sex toys. don't bother calling if neither of those are included.
Randomize
