i'm like carrie bradshaw but prettier and with a penis
Even the bartender felt bad for me
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
i told the cop we knew everyone at the party, it was 250 of our closest friends and she's like funny nobody on the balcony knew whose house this was
Thats why they were on the balcony!
I'm sure we could make a ball of yarn and a nickel into a drinking game
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Last night I made the hotel shuttle driver take me to Walgreens for birth control, and Pringles.
They were both high priority
I'm getting "congrats on your engagement" shots. I need to get engaged more often!
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Aww well I’m kinda unsober so probably best
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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