Why do I fail so hard at ironing, when I'm a woman and i should be amazing at it?
because god found you far too good at oral sex and had to make all things even?
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...
thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
You came on the chandelier from the first floor.. Of course were allowed back
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
And then you refused to pee in anything but a sink
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
FYI, his "son" is a Chihuahua.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
My sack is cleanly shaven and the rest of my body has been manscaped. i even put aftershave on my junk. i feel sleek like a fighter jet right now.
Randomize
