I am now Facebook friends with Donkey Lips from Salute Your Shorts
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.
were drug buddies, doing lines off her ass is just a bonus
Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.
I'm going to need your assistance. I cannot walk back to the house in a bear costume.
he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents
The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy
By the way I peed in a mug last night cause you were in the bathroom and im pretty sure it is still in the kitchen.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Randomize
