soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
We are like the golden girls with less cheesecake and more drugs.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
Im wearing all my glow sticks to bed so i know where my arms are at all times.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
if i ever get hit by a car or something and become paralyzed promise me youll still be here to hand feed me shots and light my bowls please
started my period, we have to try again next week
if we have anymore sex before that my dick is gonna fall off. that is in no way a complaint
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
I'm just saying, I walked in on you blowing a burrito. I now understand how obsessed you are with Taco Bell. And how long it's been since you've got some.
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
He suck his junk in my HALF BAKED. Ben & Jerry would totally disapprove. This is worse than sticky dick donut day.
Randomize
