I am coming home for anal
* a nap*
I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.
I don't care how bad it tastes, i just put it in my mouth and deal with it
i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
she was licking his armpits.
asian porn is just fucking weird. End of story.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
you're being stingy. if you didnt want people to have sex on your couch, you shouldve specifically said so.
Get this. Chipped my front tooth taking a sip of a gay mans beer out of my cleavage. Fuck my fucking life. that'll be fun to explain to my dentist
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
I'm ready to take a few years of my life this weekend
And your boyfriend doesn't mind you constantly taking pictures of his dick just to freak out your brother?
its more like he's accepted that he can't stop me
I walked in on him pumping himself up by headbanging to the drumbeat from Jumanji.
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
