So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Just saw the pics you left in my phone. thanks for reminding me that last night was not a dream.
My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.
I don't think my arm is broken I can still text
I wish there were birth control emojis
Well on the plus side I have started adding benefiber to my bottle of wine
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
I took the beard trimmer to my balls this morning.\nMuch blood. Much blood from my scrotum.
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
i got a dick pic last night and the mother fucker had a Jesus picture in the background.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
We just had a contest for who has less of a gag reflex...I am sad to admit that my mother won.
Randomize
