Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference
so i completely puked my brains out. a lot. he held me up so i could brush my teeth. then we proceeded to hook up for the next four hours.
he's a keeper
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.
All I remember is having a LONG talk with a 23 year old mother with a 5 year old kid at a bar who told me "it's not that bad"
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.
It's gay softball weekend. Lots of hot gay strangers to go home with.
it's finals week and we've been blasting country porch drinkin since 10AM. there's been like 4 tweets about hearin us on the other side of campus
He Dutch ovened me while I was hiding under the covers from his mom. Needless to say it did not end well.
Today, my weed came in a pokéball. I officially love my dealer.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Randomize
