I just speedwalked down the broken metro escalator while high. Basically all my worst fears combined
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
As payment for all the times you have babysat me while im drunk, im giving you the shorts i stole from the guy i stayed with on friday night. They're clean. Come get em.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
Kids I used to babysit are now fuckable members of my social media periphery.. Getting old sucks
Can I get high for this class every tuesday? Its like a multi-sensory carnival acid trip.
I just drunkenly accidentally had sex with my boss
Did you at least ask for a raise?
No but I am now the owner of one of either his or his roomate's teeshirts... Maybe I can use it to negotiate?
I love you. You know I enjoy the constant sex noises
Just cuz you've got the biggest dick I've ever seen doesn't mean u can wake me up at 2 am
Intelligence report: the hot sister called you gross, the sweet sister says you're dumb, and the smart sister says all the other men she knows would have to die for her to hook up with you.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
