No she wasnt mad! I told her that I "mis-remembered" nailing her friend.
i just made my mom cry by blowing spit bubbles.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
I think I may have accidentally stepped in fire
When he texted me, I got a little wet. Until he asked me to get Jimmy Johns before I got to his house.
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
my mom asked me why i was covered in scratches, blood, and dirt this morning..i answered "i was planking obviously" and walked away
Randomize
