So she stayed over last night and slept walked in to my moms room where she used the bathroom and then proceeded to get in bed with my moms naked boyfriend. So yeah, at least now my family got to meet her.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
apparently, "please pick me up from the airport" also means "i got drunk on the flight and need to give you roadhead in broad daylight"
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
My neighbour is taking her hamster for a walk on a leash. Come over now
i've been hiding in the laundry chute for like thirty minutes from her. not my manliest moment. but dude this is awesome
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
Master Skywalker, there are too many of them. What am I going to do?
Hit on the one in the red shorts. The thirst is strong with this one.
If you need us, Zoe and I will be on my kitchen floor drinking Gatorade and crying
i was thinking shit as she was saying it. it was a sarcasm time loop
He pulled over in the Compass Bank parking lot so I could dry-heave, but I decided I couldn't vomit there because "I bank here."
I think I'd rather see her get hit by a car in one of those Russian dash cam videos on YouTube.
Some guy I'd never met and didn't invite threw the punch bowl at the wall and set the plastic skeleton on fire. I don't think we'll be getting the full deposit back
Randomize
