You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.
Just puked on the beach. Hungover. In front of my parents. I love summer.
In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?
I feel as if the hash cupcakes on top of mushroom chocolates was a little excessive last night
And literally 4loko margaritas are callin my name. They're like "Hey girl come on over here I'll make you forget about grades and boys and it'll be a good idea to send everyone 55 snapchats of your cleavage" ok
It might look like I curled my hair last night but it's just the jiz.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
Like, my vagina is jet-lagged.
I had an awesome dream where you were a stegosaurus and I was a triceratops and we were hiding from a t-rex and had mad dino sex
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