I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
I made out with four boys last night, AND EXCUSE ME WHILE I COUNT HOW MANY GIRLS.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.
Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.
Bro? You just made it a target.
Is it bad that all my wine bottles have teeth marks in the cork?
I had sex with marker all over my face so I can do just about anything.
Dear awkwardly drunk roommate, thanks for stuffing enough change in my clevage that I could afford a pepsi at work today. Sincerely awesome roommate that put up with your drunk ass
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
He made the moves first, we made out...then we folded his laundry.
sometimes you just gotta eat tacobell at 2am and cry all your feelings out
Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time
you DO IT for the people
You got naked in his car? Or the koala suit was in his car? One of those sounds a lot less slutty than the other......
Omg. I meet up with you guys with bodily fluids on my chin ONE time and suddenly I'm a whore.
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Randomize
