I've come to the conclusion that the only reason I fucked him was because he reminded me of Seth Rogen.
When you come back do you think I could print anorexic pictures of Mary-Kate?
i rewarded my self with tacobell for not throwing up on any one. MISTAKE
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.
Walking in to my alcoholic Assessment meeting with a black eye = 40% awkward 60% awesome
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
In other news my pubic hair is covered in glitter.
chasing tequila with frosting. best baby shower ever.
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