Sometimes I think its so cool that a dick that has been inside kate moss has also been inside me. So exciting.
So when does "going out for one drink" = giving some guy an HJ on the sidewalk?!?
you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.
A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.
the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
hey now, it was 6 bucks for 5 shots. you would have lost your panties too.
Just remembered when I first started going down on him he goes "ok now I feel a little better about the broncos losing"
I found a new button on my vibrator, tonight was a success
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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