i kept saying "bloody hell" in a ron weasley accent until i forcibly told myself to shut up
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
I'm in my winter jacket and nothing else. very drunk. bring bitches.
woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.
so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe
he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead
ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
Please don't drown this weekend. It would be a shame to lose a dick like yours.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
In complete seriousness I think I am the highest person on earth
WHO THE FUCK TAGS THEMSELVES AT COUNTY JAIL?!?!
So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.
He also told me he would eat mozzarella sticks before having sex with me so I'm mad at him.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
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