hey no worries the mystery has been solved- i jst sneezed and my undies popped outta my nose.
WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
she was using a pencil to fish crushed adderall out of a plastic bag. it was like a college version of fun dip
i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side
he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.
Steve called. He needs me to pick him up. He also asked for a set of his clothes, he can't find them. He is such a strong motivation to stay sober.
I will gladly accept you into my home with open legs.
Funny story... I got into my car and my porn started playing over my Bluetooth.
Found an elderly homeless guy with a Gandalf beard passed out on my porch. I put a Santa hat over his erect dick cause he was naked.
Randomize
