I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god
His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I bet the guy on the treadmill next to me with the noise-canceling headphones wishes he could trade them for smell-canceling noseplugs. Hard to believe that last one did not involve any pants-shitting on my part.
wtf... you literally introduced yourself as "that friend who's going to fuck all your other friends."
I hope you know that means regardless of their gender.
Lesson: Never rollerskate with a 40 in your hand unless you have a destination.
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I want to be "performing a disservice to society by actually wearing clothes in public" hot.
I was so drunk last night dude. I woke up this morning to my oven being wide open and my pants on the kitchen floor.
he's really high and upset. he just found out alice from the brady bunch died
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
