I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.
you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
Do you have any booze?
Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...
Jake bring pizza.
JAKE BRING PIZZA.
HES DOING PULLUPS BE STILL MY BEATING HEART
I had a dream last night you were Aladdin. I think due to me watching 6 hours of Disney movies and the fact you told me you were wearing a vest.
Dreams are coming true for both of us.
Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.
Yeah except my drinking partners aka my parents went to sleep Cuz ya know, they're old.
THEY'RE TEXTING LIKE MIDDLE AGED SOCCER MOMS WHAT DO I DO
She's seen your dick through your pants. You don't need to ask
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
Yeah come over whenever. Weed gets here at 8.
I'll be there at 7:59.
Randomize
