You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.
So my birthday was awesome. Only remember 45 min of it but I woke up with a girl on the couch and a half bowl of ground beef
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
Come on down you're the next contestant on "lets go drinking!"
I can control the tv with my phone while pooping on the second floor. I thought you should know for future reference
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
I was jerking him off and in two seconds he went from "oh yeah that feels good" to "what day is Thanksgiving again?" and then back again. Like wtf.
SHE'S PREGNANT AS SHIT, AND I JUSR PEELED A CLEMENTINE TO CHASE SHOTS WITH!! COULD LIFE GET ANY BETTER!?
Always keep a stash of tequila in your work desk. That is like adulting 101.
Next time I pee on a car, I'll text you.
Went to go look for a friend that was missing since 3am, found her passed out in the hallway of the apartment, guessing it was a good night
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
had to remind myself that killing him is not a good career move AGAIN.
Randomize
