she was pretty much dry humping my leg when her boyfriend walked in. he says "you should probably leave." all i could come up with was "YEAH, I KNOW!"
Googled "can you put dry ice in your drink?" I'm safee
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
Either I'm losing my touch or ED is running rampant in 20 something men now
I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.
U thinks that's bad? He told me that he had to envision high school wrestling in order to bust a nut with some girl
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Omg you can't vacuum salsa that's just ridiculous
literally just tried sending to someone a video of me jerkin but my phone was connected to Apple TV and it literally just played on the tv in a full room and I'm actually about to shit myself
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
get your sex hands out of my capn crunch
It's still fucked up that my mom let me think Vanilla Ice was my dad for YEARS just because she thought it was funny.
Are you going to regret this?
No I do t think so
Ok then he can enter the holy dorm temple.
Dick is healthier for you than green beans
he said "i'm the cat whisperer, watch". he took a hit from the pipe, grabbed the cat and blew the smoke in its ear. he grinned and the cat started purring. it was magnificent
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