My dream in life is to scissor with Ellen. I don't care if I've got a dick. I'll make it work.
Puked in a cab. Passed out on my floor an my mom put a blanket over me. Home by 1045. I won shitshow trophy last night.
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
michael burned off one of his eyebrows making a pizza so he had to shave off the other one to make it look even. it doesn't look right, but I'd still bang him.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
I just told him I want him to "take the reins". At least its festive sexting?
Weird come down, just saw a woman on the train go to grab something and realised she had terrifying hands. They literally filled me with dread. I don't think I'm ok.
I'm sitting on the floor singing Bruno mars while they cook and occasionally pet me
But I'll just tell people it was a bar fight... Sounds a lot better than "well I was drunk and alone and eating Special K naked in my bed"
My head is just one big fuzz right now.. Its like someone replaced my brain with a teddy bear
Just wanted to say, I appreciate your bravery in having read receipts
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