Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i just identified you from a description of your pipe
I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.
i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.
drunk enough to drink jager bombs out of a bowl on the kitchen floor.
remember our old mantra: why can't life be as easy as we are?
Myy bathroom floor makes me think I'm on Mars. Also. Did you realize that yesterday we perfected thee mind high-five??
He's passed out. He nodded his head when I asked if he's alive though...so there's that
He was so fat that he broke two of my ribs
Maybe it's time to stop screaming I'm a chubby chaser every time you enter a drinking establishment
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
So I took a screenshot of my boarding pass and the TSA agent somehow swiped it to the next photo. Yep...TSA saw my dick before I even went through the body scanner.
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