Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
It's not littering; it's giving birds nest building suplies. Besides, birds love soy sauce and plastic forks.
Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
How many people can say they've shit on the floor of a five star hotel?
When you can pee with one hand accurately while texting, you drink too much.
Do you think I shall pursue this journey to the center if the dick?
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
Would it be weird to jack off in the hospital?
All he did was like my Instagram picture and I'm already planning how to turn down sex with him this weekend...
I may or may not already be in your hot tub when you get home. I have a key to your house and no shame.
I rather not break my neck. It's hard to look sexy with a neck cast.
I despise everything about her. Except her tits.
God dammit everything I said last night about jungle juice being awesome just does not carry over into the next day
No. It's going to be "I'm mad that it took you so long to get over here" angry sex.
Randomize
