One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+
I need to not be around brick walls while intoxicated.
Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...
Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.
I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.
I got to see a stripper that did magic last night. It was glorious.
You want to groom your chest hair? You mean with a little baby chest hair brush? Because that sounds adorable.
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
Do you hit a new low in life when you have to carry around a puke bag in your purse when you're hungover?
Just hooked up my fuck buddy with a job working for my dad...this can only end bad.
Ok next time we are filming it. You bring the camera and I'll buy more socks
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
I used to want you to marry him...Now I just think you deserve a bigger penis than that.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
Randomize
