if you find a joe biden blowup doll in the attic, I call dibs
my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.
We walked past a group of guys in front of a bar last night and they claimed, I quote: Wow, we'd actually have to work for that.
I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.
My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
I spent most of the night trying to drink out of three bottles of beer at once. I don't have to be told the reasons I'm single
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with someone crawling around my carpet for 3 hours trying to pick up spilled coke...
I never thought my Saturday night would end up with ME crawling around your carpet for 3 hours trying to save my investment.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
Also a shrinking boner emoji would be helpful
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
It was pretty awesome. I drank out of a stein and attempted to dance to dubstep with some older guys in leiderhosen.
Randomize
