I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
The only thing better than Call of Duty is getting jerked off while playing Call of Duty.
Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding
My boyfriend just sent me flowers. I am now crying at the fact i fucked my fat neighbor. God please help me.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?
After you threw up you would repeatedly say "napkin" like a siren until somebody got you a fucking napkin.
Glad to know I rate above a cabbage on the parenting scale.
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
She just won 2 Grammys at 17 and were sitting here hotboxing our half bathroom
Just cried because I'm out of oreos. This post-molly depression can go fuck itself.
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I've Ubered to the bar three times this weekend to get my car but every time I get there I end up drinking. Still no car.
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